Cripples

Blind people on the subway are really fucking annoying. They should just stay home with their fucking dogs. Maybe train some monkeys to do their shopping.

Things that can go fuck themselves

TV
YouTube
The Onion
Esquire Magazine
Astrology
Women between the ages of 18 and 25
DreamWorks Entertainment
The Decembrists, Arcade Fire, and all similar whiney shit
Recycling
The MTA
The Obama administration
My dishes
Chinese food
Sex columnists
SUVs and minivans, but not semis and RVs
Sleep
Owning a cat
Failure to signal a turn while driving
Winter
Coupons
Bank of America
Deal 3 Solitaire
Motorcyclists under the age of 27
Babies

You enjoy my twitter

I hate Facebook and MySpace, but, even though it's still evil social networking, I am so far enjoying Twitter. Username = Mu sta pha Mon d. (sans spaces. can you believe I'm getting spam on that shit?)

You know why I don't want to date her?

Because she's got thin lips.

She's clever. Witty, even. Her lips say fun things. And she is otherwise pretty. So how unfair is it to give her these thin, non-inviting lips? My lips would like totally smother her lips. Her lips just aren't competitive in the juicy kissing arena. It's unfair. But it's also my biological imperative to seek out fuller and fleshier playgrounds.

Thus I am stalking the undercover security guard at the Rite Aid around the corner. I was in there to buy intimacy aids from the family planning section, which is arranged awkwardly right beneath the pharmacist's window. She was there as I rounded aisle corner, medium black and stuffed (stuffed) into bedazzled jeans. She was picking through the lubricants, reading the product details on a black and neon bottle of something called Wet.

I did not know she was the undercover security person for the store. I just needed condoms and had to maneuver around her to get them. Things were immediately awkward and intriguing. She did not shuffle away immediately, and hung around even as I had to reorganize the condom boxes in order to get the brand I was looking for.

We glanced at each other a few times. In retrospect, she was just wondering if I was a thief. I, however, was wondering if cosmic irony allowed one to ask out one girl while very obviously buying condoms to go have sex with another. I decided no and paid for my stuff.

That's when cosmic irony set off the alarms as I was leaving the store. She came rushing over and revealed herself as the security person. She asked to see my receipt and inside my bag and had to take out the box of condoms and and examine the security tag and began mumbling awkwardly about how those things never work right and thanks and sorry for the inconvenience, to which I responded, "No problem. See you tomorrow." And then I left, thinking, See you tomorrow? What?

So I went back the next day, caught her eye as she pretended to be a customer at the end of the greeting card aisle, and then conspicuously stuffed my pockets full of Happy Bat Mitzvah cards. I got out of the store scott free, and I don't even know any Jews of age for the cards. Tonight I am going back to steal something more useful, probably AstroGlide, in the hopes that this time she'll catch me.

The Teaching

People have said, Say something about the teaching! In response, I have so far said nothing about the teaching. It is a mixed bag, the teaching, and I don't want to talk about it, except to say that it is consuming my brain since grades are due Friday and I have procrastinated so much on them that the anxiety of facing the mountain of papers that must be read has become a nearly physical barrier to doing the work that must be done.

One of my students was handcuffed outside my classroom during 7th period this Tuesday. Again. Another of my students is a sexual predator, doing horrible things to the girls, and nobody will do anything about it. Suspensions of students -- in my classes alone -- for bringing knives to school = 2 so far this year. My students have started their own YouTube channel for fights they record in the playground. An entire fucking channel.

The administration has begun witch hunts to get rid of senior staff members because anyone with more than 6 or 7 years is apparently too expensive to keep on. At the same time, inexpensive teachers are getting cheap praise (i.e. "encouragement to come back next year") even when we're doing a fuck all job of things.

According to many people, my school is one of the best middle schools in the city. Seriously.

The Shit 4 Grains Vegan Cafe...

is the name of the business I would start if I were vegan or in the food industry.

The D&D

I forget who, but someone pointed me to meetup.com, which is a cool place for finding groups of people in the city to, uh, meetup with and do stuff. So today I met up with some peeps doing a demo of the new D&D 4E rules.

The meetup was held at this cool store in Brooklyn called King Games. The place runs on a clever business plan: provide a huge space full of tables for D&D and MtG and other nerd table-top hobbies; provide huge TVs and video game consoles; and provide a bunch of PCs for networked gaming and net surfing; let people use it all for no to low cost; then sell shit loads of junk food to all the hungry nerds who come in.

Today, while we were doing the D&D, King Games was hosting a MtG tournament. Probably close to a hundred people showed up to compete. (I think 4 winners were splitting a $!000 prize!) The garbage cans were overflowing with soda bottles, empty bags of chips, and ice cream wrappers (including pints of Haagen Daas [which I'm not going to look up to bother to spell correctly]). Based on the setting and the food selection, you can imagine what the crowd looked like. It was weird for me to be among so many people and find that I'm in the top tiers of fitness, personal hygiene, and social skills.

Anyway, the 4E demo was lots of fun. The combat felt really streamlined, the classes more useful, flexible, and customizable, and the game overall had a more cinematic feel. Some players were concerned that the changes to skills and whatnot will weaken the roleplaying aspect of the game, but I don't see that happening. (The demo was designed to showcase the new combat rules, so there wasn't much actual "role" playing involved.)

Everyone at the meetup was friendly and inviting, and it was well worth the long trip to get there. But I still miss the old D&D Krew. I'm trying to find some local Queens people to get together a group with, but somehow it just won't be the same.

If I were an art teacher...

I'd use these two sites in a lesson: (1) Classics in LEGO ; (2) Far Side made real.

Since I'm not an art teacher, I can't offer a sound pedagogical justification for why I'd use those in a lesson except to say that I think "imitation by variation" is a great way to start learning stuff. I guess you can think of it as the equivalent of an English lesson where students rip off Holden Caulfield's voice while writing their own stories. Also, I just think those sites are pretty cool.

Badass at the Bar: The Rules (and Suggestions)

Arrive alone. Do not make eye contact with anyone except the bartender. If the bartender is female, smile at her, but never smile at anybody else.

Order whiskey. But do not order "whiskey" -- order by name. For example, say to the bartender, "Maker's Mark." Order it neat. No water on the side. No soda within five feet of you.

Do not answer your cell phone. The ringer should be off. Do not check your PDA. Do not send text messages. Do not have a fake tan. Do not wear big ass gold rings or other jewelry. All of these things will make you look like a douche bag.

Do not talk to anybody but the bartender. You drink alone, with nobody else. And when you drink alone, you prefer to be by yourself. Also: George Thorogood is your idol, but he is your silent idol, living only in the back of your head, and you never quote him, sing him, or, worse, play him on the jukebox.

Of particular importance is to not talk to girls who are ten or more years younger than you. If such a girl initiates a conversation with you, you must finish your whiskey ("Maker's Mark") immediately, gently but firmly place the glass on the bar, slide (using the pinky and ring finger of your right hand) money in the direction of the bartender, stand up and leave.

However, if you see some jackhole flirting with girls ten or more years younger than him -- if, for example, you see him passing her his business card for her to write her number on it and then pass it BACK to him so he can be some creepy old fuck calling her the next night -- you are honor bound to cock-block him. Say, "You look like the kind of guy who likes piña coladas." Then buy around for him and his friends and the girl(s) he/they are hitting on. When the umbrella drinks show up, toast to "Makin' love at midnight," finish your whiskey ("Maker's Mark"), then get up and leave.

If the cock-blocked jackhole gets in your face, unzip your fly and show him your junk. Because no one is more badass at the bar than you.